From the outside it appeared that I was calm, poised and confident. Professionally, I had already achieved a measure of success, so who would guess that my view of myself was different on the inside?

It happened every time that I was about to step into a difficult situation, whether it was meeting with a major client, preparing to speak in front of an audience, writing an article, or attempting to talk to a person I found attractive. The problem was always the same. My anxiety level about what others thought of me would go up, and my brain would shut off. The thought of being judged by others would cause my emotions to jump into the driver’s seat and steer my mind into a blizzard of self-doubt.

If I was going to satisfy my need to become a fully integrated person, and ultimately achieve my goals, I needed to put my own evaluation of myself above the arbitrary conclusions of others. The challenge I faced was how to accomplish that task.

I remember when I was a little girl getting dressed to go to a party. I told my mother how nervous I was that the other girls might not like me. She said, “Don’t worry honey, just be yourself.” If I had a clue how to do that, I doubt if I’d have been so anxious.

A nine-step process based on the principles of Objectivist Philosophy, a philosophy founded by philosopher/novelist Ayn Rand and rooted in rational thought and self-interest, helped me to make a profound change in my thinking about this problem. Practicing these steps on a daily basis has enabled me to say, with total confidence, that I am not concerned with what you think of me. I am only concerned with what I think of myself and what I think of you.

Step 1
I realized that, in large measure, I was responsible for my own feelings and behaviors and that I could choose to feel or not feel “emotionally” disturbed. I was choosing to disturb myself with a very powerful irrational belief. Its origin was a verdict that I had accepted from significant others early in my life. I strongly and devoutly believed — albeit often subconsciously — that I was not enough.

I was exhausting myself pursuing the Holy Grail of “enoughness.” If I had a perfect relationship, I would be enough. If I made a six-figure income annually, I would be enough. One more person telling me that I was terrific — then I would be enough.

I surrendered this way of thinking the day I realized that there was nothing to prove to anyone outside of myself. I examined my expectations and discovered that I thought that I had to be approved of by anyone whom I chose to make significant. I decided to challenge and dispute this belief. What would be so terrible about another person’s disapproval? What evidence did another have to be my critical judge? What was the standard used by another to measure my worth? In short, I began to consider the source.

Step 2
I needed to understand what conditions I had to satisfy if I were to develop my own reliable, consistent, authentic system of self-evaluation. Needing to be liked and approved of was only getting me to be used. After considerable research and thought, I selected seven core values to live by to maintain a strong sense of myself. Living up to these standards began to free me from the tyranny of negatively judging myself. Being perfect wasn’t anywhere near as exciting as discovering my own voice; especially the one that could say, “no.”

Step 3
The first value was to assume the responsibility of thinking rationally. I had to consciously choose to focus my mind. Feelings, hopes, wishes and fantasies were no longer convenient substitutes for the truth. Evading reality, blanking out and choosing not to know were no longer options.

Step 4
Next, I needed to recognize the fact that I was responsible to think independently. That is, no one can do my thinking for me. I had to decide what was right for me and accept only what made sense to me. I needed to know why I was doing something if I was choosing to do it. It was no one else’s job, or business, to run my life. It was all right to ask others for advice, especially to guard against my self-will running riot. But the decisions about my life were ultimately my responsibility.